urban spaCes//& whose orbs we cross along the way

the old man in front of me –is mad,
shaky fingers wrapped around
an iron stick, he traces
the trajectories of venus// mars
on the rough plaster of a housewall
//busy shopping street//


i’m just one orb
behind him, his grey hair
curL off-loop //multi-headed-snakes
make spaCeWindVorteXes

to the right, in a café
seats stuffed // a tingly loneliness
melts through the pane,
her eyes maintain a
hold-your-arms-up-in-the-air GaZe

suddenly we’re detoured,
off the path
we’re meant to take
(each of us)
sileNt //williNg

i adapt my steps,
cram coins into the parking meter’s
greedy cleft

&seesaw through a galaxy
i didn’t see
a minute back


brian’s theme for mtb at dVerse today will be developing characters in our poetry.. capturing people.. not only physical details but giving the reader a feel of the person as well…doors open at 3pm EST


42 responses to “urban spaCes//& whose orbs we cross along the way

  1. ha. what cool characters…i am wondering a bit at the mad man…and how mad he might really be…its and interesting contrast to the rather lonely woman in the pane…even the parking meter became a bit of a character…it’s good you see it now though….smiles.

  2. A crazy man like that.. I can see in your words how people react.. maybe a lonely woman feeling even more vulnerable, and yes focus on feeding the parking-meter, above all – avoid eye-contact with the crazy man… To me i see him in front of me… (and I clearly expect you to star in this challenge)… hmm.

  3. Just one orb away, in contrast, struggling with the parking meter, the narrator becomes the person of interest to me! What she sees becomes her outline.

  4. Some people pass through such spaces and never see all those around them…they are viewed as objects…but you see and feel them and share them with us…another fine write.

  5. I agree with Brian – even in snippets, you gave us your moment, your take on you they were and how they changed your time and space and perception because of that intersection of paths. Well done.

  6. Another winning slice of life with this rich piece, Claudia; but then your poetry is always deep with sharp startling characters. Perhaps the old man was related to the woman in the cafe, her grandfather perhaps; an intense moment during your day; thanks.

  7. Your characters made me think of people we vaguely look at in our everyday lives, – in the streets, in the stuffy and crowded cafés – and yet they are real.

  8. Wondering if the crazy man is a bit lonely; and wondering if the lonely woman is a bit crazy. And wondering also if we all walk in one or another of these ‘shoes’ at one time or another!

  9. oh, that mad man ahead of you…so vividly portrayed!! I was sure, when I came to your site, that the character would already be fairly well developed in your sketch…but then I was surprised to see no sketch at all. Yet, you didn’t disappoint in your description

  10. Claudia I liked this for the parts small scenes crammed together. Really interesting though I think I’ll always have trouble with the graphics both you especiaslly and Brian use in your poetry. I understand I think the idea behind it but it is hard for me to read through it at times. I’m too old fashioned or something. But good read. >KB

  11. ve this images! ‘, he traces
    the trajectories of venus// mars
    on the rough plaster of a housewall’

    and ‘ his grey hair
    curL off-loop //multi-headed-snakes’
    and funny ending ‘seesaw through a galaxy’

    so entertaining! ~ Claudia, I really wish I could see the whole novel or collection of your stories with characters described like this one…! Bravo!

  12. I love the reference to the stars, can just see him doing that; also you got me with this: , :in a café
    seats stuffed // a tingly loneliness
    melts through the pane”

  13. “suddenly we’re detoured,
    off the path
    we’re meant to take”
    How true. Our paths change many times during the day due to chance encounters–some as fleeting as your momentary connection with the old man and lonely girl.

  14. This is nice. I like your descriptions. I must resume my observations of people. It’s always so interesting. You write about them so vividly. You’re so aware of your surroundings.

  15. The emotions are what characterize these two, the mad old man, and the folorn woman, and you are characterized too … maintaining a balance between the two.
    Great descriptions!

  16. Everyday people in everyday reality – but somehow they stood out in your eyes. I like your ending – seeing the world as they might see it.

  17. Wonderfully contrasted-youth and old age-and I just fell in love with,”cram coins into the parking meter’s
    greedy cleft”-wow!Amazing job Claudia:-)

    • yeah … the parking meter’s greedy cleft says so much. Well done there. I especially like when short words encompass so much

  18. Wonderfully descriptive, Claudia. Reading this is like watching a film clip. Maybe one of those old grainy news things they used to show before a movie at the theatre. Love it!

  19. “seesaw through a galaxy / i didn’t see / a minute back” and something about the galaxy of orb-others give me a sense of being in a pinball machine… I guess it’s the idea of trajectories.

  20. Seems like we come across, pass by, pass through, so many galaxies of differing experiences each day…I like how you did this….”a tingly loneliness melts through the pane”…wow, that just makes you really feel it.

  21. [Hi Claudia, just letting you know I’ll be reading but not commenting for a little while, until I feel better. Ironically, I’m letting you know in a comment!]

  22. The randomness of those interactions knocking the narrator off trajectory ever so slightly, just as we all are as we go about our days. Loved this.

  23. You are like a street photographer but in a poet – these snippets are so well done my friend. Woven together as only you can into something entirely more than the sum of all the parts!