named after the roman god of agriculture, &what i really want is his ring for hula-hooping

we slip, slender shade, (stripped onyx) towards saturn’s sixth space from the sun,
sleep-leap into a dream, folded (neat) in envelopes within the solar system,
core composed of crooked rock, nickle, silicon, &oxygen accelerates,
hold hands & sky dance all his rings, liquid hydrogen, by chance? an oblate spheroid,
pale yellow hue due to ammonia crystals, susurrating, (unheard yet,
as if we could invent him, over and again)
sip milk sap  from borrowed galaxies, wrap ourselves ‘round discontinuous arcs,
&know nothing of what being means if you lack a definite surface

.

at dVerse today, we’re looking at accentual alliteration; poetry in the Old English style with four stresses in a line, three of which are alliterative, one which isn’t; Bang, Bang, Bang – Crash! – ha – i hope i met the bill… you def. should read the whole article when Tony opens the pub doors at 3pm EST

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39 responses to “named after the roman god of agriculture, &what i really want is his ring for hula-hooping

  1. i can’t say if you fit the bill per se… but i’m totally wowed by the alliteration in the first line alone, never mind all the rest of it.
    love the title too, & where the last line goes (deep!)

  2. ha, hula hooping would be a blast…love the title, esp the first part…the dream folded neat in envelopes….ha, love it…and the fluidity of the piece due to the allit is great…i accentuates the motion of leaping…i think i want a cup of milk say from other galaxies…smiles.

  3. this one is out of this world, bang on with the alliteration. Tony really tweeked my head with this this prompt. You seemed at ease in the Beowulf world of stresses & beats. I had to struggle with it.

  4. Loads and loads of alliteration, Claudia, and kudos for that. Not sure about the four stresses in a line etc but so what? You have produced a fine poem, and that’s always the point of these challenges for me … smiles

  5. You done-did the accent alliteration good Claudia.

    And now a poem inspired by a hula hoop stuck on the tip of the moon’s elfin shoe.

    ahem….

    it swings there like Saturn’s 14 ring of fire and ice
    then slips off when a gust of Mercury escapes Uranus.

    my poor little hoop falls into a black hole with
    a bunch of Britney Spears old cds, gone where
    Einstein sits carving his Christmas sonnets.

    end of poem.

    🙂

    xooxo

  6. okay.. I read the first two lines and then I was…
    and then I read again and completed reading it till the end without any further stop.. lovely work! Alliterations.. great! and they have contributed in giving the piece an extra attractive factor.. A very good read!

  7. sleep-leap into a dream,
    folded (neat) in envelopes
    within the solar system,

    Lovely word craft Claudia. You took a difficult prompt to a higher level so smoothly. Brilliant!

    Hank

  8. This is different! I like this. There’s a few internal rhymes/half-rhymes that really add to the alliteration. What a fun write. My favorite line was ‘&know nothing of what being means if you lack a definite surface’. All sorts of fun to be had in our solar system! =)

  9. This moves beautifully into the metaphysical. What would it really be like if the fantastical became real – all those chemicals out there, but more – what is beneath us? Very interesting and wonderful sound, Claudia, rings of sound. k.

  10. accentual alliteration… that was new for me 🙂
    an added advantage of reading you.. so much I get to learn !!

    been away for a while.
    I hope u r doing fine Claudia.. Tckr

  11. Always love your word choice, Claudia. The first line pulled us in and the last tied us up. I think we are being incarcerated on Io. But not sure. The stars all look the same out here… 🙂

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