on the way to work the other day

you played piano on the seven a.m. tram
between the River Jordan and a fallen night,

on your lips, the blood of dark-red cherry jam
(or was it strawberry..?
it doesn’t matter– but)

you played piano (and it mattered) on the seven a.m. tram
& i spit rock songs ‘cross the fogged up window pane,
until the exit to the world moved out of sight

you played piano (like a mad man– and i loved it)
on the seven a.m. tram
between the River Jordan and a fallen night

 .

ok..ok…i admit…i went a bit wild with this one…probably my rebellious, form-less nature got hold of me…ha…

Sam Peralta is hosting FormForAll at dVerse...and the challenge is to write a triolet which goes- ABaAabAB – capital letters indicate refrain lines… well…i put everything non-triolet in parenthesis at least…smiles..join us…gates open at 3 pm EST

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51 responses to “on the way to work the other day

  1. ha…love it…been tinkering with one all afternoon and wish i had thought of this first…sounds like a fun ride/jam session there…smiles

  2. This was thought-provoking and interesting. I (at least for one) like the license you took. It really works using the parentheses – very jazz improvisation like. It begs the question of 7 a.m. The dawn of music and the end of time perhaps symbolized? Then there’s the hint of sexuality in cherries and strawberries, or is it only seasonal? Lots of embedded layers. Very cool in such a short poem with overtones of the haiku as Sam mentioned. I loved it.
    My triolets for today are here:
    http://beachanny.blogspot.com/2012/03/two-tied-triolets-evolution-of-dance.html
    older ones here:
    http://hollyheir.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/rhyme-work/
    http://hollyheir.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/a-triolet-at-trianon/

  3. Excellent, Claudia. Before I read that it was a triolet, I thought to myself how well the parentheses worked. And now I see the reason for them and think they still work just fine! i find myself wondering where the exit of the world is, but I don’t want to discover it too soon!

  4. Not wild…wonderful. Makes me smile (need that today). So nice to know there’s something “between the River Jordan and a fallen night”–lovely line…
    Thank you, Claudia.

  5. pretty cool piece Claudia- going wild can be a good thing sometimes 🙂 the dark red cherry jam stanza I really liked a lot, especially because you through the internal thought line, or was it strawberry- I just love things like that.

  6. Claudia Dearest, I LOVE when you go wild. And even when you do not as such, your poems are always wild as rambling wine bottles in the grass after a fallen night of piano by the River Jordan. Manna of red jam! 🙂

    I wonder what rock songs you spat at the window? I’m thinking Bon Jovi?? 🙂

    Reminds me that in my random iPhone pix I recently uploaded to my computer there is one of a street cellist I snapped from my car window one day.

    xo

  7. Wow, Claudia, from your pen to God’s eyes: “between the River Jordan and a fallen night”. Some keyboard artists affect me that way, for sure! Especially when I am on the “tram” of my morning walking mediations and hear one of them practicing through the woods!

  8. and while I was trying to rope and break my triolet to ride, you were out with a long lens capturing them in the wild…wow Claudia this is just kickin’ cool! Great write.

  9. What is form except to use to say something–and you said something here–lots of color, lots of music, total sense of living in the moment, and the rest really doesn’t matter in this free form improvisation at break of day. Lots of fun, Claudia.

  10. i like what the rebellious-ness did to the whole effort, made it work better for me that way, much fun, much punch

    fav line,

    “i spit rock songs ‘cross the fogged up window pane,
    until the exit to the world moved out of sight”

    oh yea, i could feel being in it 😉

    thanks claudia 😉

  11. Actually, using the parentheses worked very well. You could scan the poem without them and it would be a triolet; but include them, and you get that editorial commentary that makes this “wild” triolet – as others have called it – wonderfully unique.

  12. Reminds me of my train commute to work when I was 17 – one of our group was a double bass player, and the time was often passed musically. I enjoyed your rebellious triolet.

  13. Three cheers for your rebellious nature… I’m half tempted to go on and try to turn this into a rebellious triolet, but no, I’ll just stand back and applaud.

  14. Going against the groove made it trendy, Claudia! The parenthesis nailed it.It made it different a little but still retained the form. Brilliant Ma’am!

    Hank

  15. I love it! Reminds me of when we used to sing the asides to lines of songs to liven them up (i.e. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer [Reindeer!] had a very shiny nose [like a light bulb!]…) well, you get!

  16. Oh, you are such a maverick and have a rebellious poet’s heart. Triolet or not, with or without the phrases in parens, I love this. It describes a scene and person that I am sorry never to have known.

  17. “you played piano on the seven a.m. tram
    between the River Jordan and a fallen night…”

    Hi! Claudia…
    Tks, for sharing your Triolet which I just took a “peek” at over there at d’Verse…in order to try and understand this form Of poetry.

    Now, back to your very [beautiful] poetic words…your [very] poetic words conjured up image(s) Of so many who listen to sounds…on the tram.

    “probably my rebellious, form-less nature got hold of me…ha…”
    I like your rebelliousness and I don’t think that your poem was form-less at all…lol

    deedee 🙂

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